Swati is an engaged and efficient worker, whose boss appreciates her work ethic and professionalism. While she is a valued member of the team, one aspect of Swati’s personality irks her colleagues and boss. For every step of a project, Swati both seeks and expects feedback. No doubt, she usually does a great job but she needs to be told time and again that she is doing well. Though she is competent, her need for constant validation is likely to stymie her potential.
Check in with yourself
In an article in Harvard Business Review, Melody Wilding provides tips to quell the constant approval-seeker in you. The next time you desire someone’s approval at work, take a pause and do a “gut check.” Basically, this entails taking a moment to introspect on why you are asking for approval. Does it stem from doubt, fear of making a mistake or a desire for praise? Is it necessary to solicit feedback at this stage? What will happen if you proceed? If a colleague approached you with a similar question at this stage, how would you regard it? Try to make a distinction between a genuine need for feedback versus your own unfounded doubts or need for vanity points. Don’t go with your default mode of soliciting a response for every task you perform.
A need for validation also arises when you don’t have confidence in your opinions. Learn to gauge your own performance and progress. Before heading to a meeting, chalk out your position on relevant issues. If your viewpoint differs from others, don’t shy away from expressing it. Of course, being confident about your opinions doesn’t mean you are always right and are not open to suggestions from others. However, you do not want to err on the other extreme either, where you simply follow the tide, regardlessof your personal convictions.
Reduce your reliance on others
Further, we need to reduce our dependence on external validation from others. In another article in Harvard Business Review, Dina Denham Smith coaxes us to harness our strengths instead of focusing on our weaknesses. When we play to our strengths, we are more confident, productive, self-aware and experience a greater sense of well-being.
Additionally, Denham Smith believes that each person has to define success on their own terms. Introspect on your values and the kind of life that you want to lead. Know that conventional standards of success that put a premium on wealth and status are actually hollow. If you strive for purpose and meaning rather than ‘success’, you will be less swayed by normative measures of success. Ask yourself if you are pursuing your own dream? Or, are you simply chasing what others are hankering for without necessarily plumbing their inner depths?
Though we cannot choose our co-workers and family members, Denham Smith asks you to be discerning while creating a support group for yourself. Pick people who are positive and generally make you feel better about yourself. If you have an overly critical boss or a parent who always puts you down, don’t depend on them to buoy you up. Instead cultivate relationships with friends, co-workers and family members who recognize your potential, are aware of your strengths and pep you up. In fact, your support group needn’t necessarily be a part of your intimate circle. Sometimes, chatting with a distant friend can be just the right balm to soothe your fraught nerves.
Finally, tap into your inherent worth, an immeasurable gift accorded to every human being. Know that you are much more than your achievements, accolades and A-pluses. Deep down, every person is complete in and of themselves. Unfortunately, many of us lose sight of this fundamental truth as we gauge ourselves solely by shallow societal yardsticks. If you are able to tap into your sense of wholeness, you are less likely to feel fraught or fragmented by others.
About the Author
Aruna Sankaranarayanan is the author of Zero Limits and the co-author of Bee-Witched along with Brinda S. Narayan.